We often hear that having high expectations is a positive attribute - one that is associated with ambition, initiative, drive, excellence and success, and one that helps to define a strong leader. On the flip side, high expectations more frequently lead to disappointment, frustration, anger, and a sense of being let down by others, or even oneself. The culprit here is simple semantics.

The word "expectation" is synonymous with the word "demand." Think about it. A CEO places high expectations on one of her VPs and he doesn't perform as adroitly as she thought he should. Ms. CEO becomes angry, frustrated, disappointed, and feels as though this VP let her down. Translation: Ms. CEO demanded something of another person and, when he simply behaved as humans will (imperfectly), she reacted from her own sense of unmet needs. The result? A losing proposition for both parties. One angry CEO and a disheartened VP who now fears for the security of his job. If only she had learned the mantra, "No one can let you down if you weren't leaning on them in the first place."

What are your unmet needs? Perfectionism? Recognition? Bliss? Love? Self-acceptance? Authenticity? Most executives are simply too busy running their companies to invest much time in this process of introspection, but this is perhaps one of the most important leadership development exercises you can do.

What most professionals don't realize is that expectations are the result of something lacking internally. We demand from others those things that make us feel better about ourselves and, when we don't receive them, that's where the trouble begins. Placing expectations on yourself and others is simply setting yourself up for disappointment and a plethora of other negative emotions. Leaders simply do not have time to engage in negativity, nor does this set a healthy role model for employees. Remember that your unmet needs are one of the most potent drivers of expectations. Identify and eliminate the need and you eliminate the associated fulfillment-seeking behaviors.

You're probably asking yourself, "Does this mean I can't have any goals or set any standards for performance?" No, of course not. Rules, guidelines and standards are a necessary part of life and business. Define and communicate your wishes, but don't expect (demand) that everyone is going to follow them 100% of the time. That is simply not rational. Additionally, becoming emotionally invested only sets you up for stress, depression, anxiety or, in the worst case, a heart attack. Failure, errors, mistakes, blunders, accidents and crises are bound to occur. If we expect they won't happen and we attempt to change reality, we only drive ourselves and the people around us crazy.

In her groundbreaking book, Loving What Is, author Byron Katie discusses a process called "Inquiry" wherein she asks readers to continually analyze their thoughts through a series of questions: "Is it true?" "Can I absolutely know for certain that this is true?" "How do I feel and behave while holding on to this belief?" and "What can I do to turn it around?" Borrowing from the disciplines of metacognition and cognitive-behavioral therapy and cognitive restructuring, Ms. Katie has developed a life tool so simple, yet so powerful, that virtually any stress-inducing situation can be reduced to a simple analysis of what is real and what is our "story", i.e. the false belief system we hold on to that causes the upset in the first place.

Returning to Ms. CEO and her VP, her story was that Mr. VP "should" perform in a certain way. (The word "should" is an expectation, a demand.) When he executed the task in his own way, according to his story, he fell short of Ms. CEO's expectations. She might have asked herself, "Is it true that he really let me down and failed miserably at this task? Can I absolutely know for certain that that's true?" Engaging in this process of inquiry might have revealed that (1) Mr. VP really gave it his best shot, (2) factors outside of his control affected his performance, (3) his methods of attacking the project were different, but certainly not bad, or (4) he made an honest mistake (and don't we all do that?).

Taking the process further, how did she respond by holding on to the belief that Mr. VP really let her down? She became angry, frustrated and disappointed. Who knows what affects this had on her blood pressure, stress hormones and her overall wellness.

What could she have done to defuse the situation? First, she could have changed her story - and her expectations. Instead of saying, "Mr. VP is incompetent. I don't trust him. He let me down," she might have turned those statements around: "I am incompetent. Perhaps Mr. VP wasn't ready for a project of this magnitude. I could have been more astute in my assessment of his abilities." "Mr. VP is competent. There were extenuating circumstances that impacted his performance."

The next turnaround might go something like this: "I don't trust myself. I've demonstrated that I have difficulty processing and managing my emotions when things get tough. I promise to work on this." "I do trust Mr. VP. He has never given me reason to doubt his professionalism or competence. I believe him when he says he did his best."

And the last turnaround: "I let myself down. I became angry and accused one of my valued employees of being incompetent. This is not a behavioral benchmark for a leader." "I let Mr. VP down by judging him harshly and by not offering more direction throughout the project." "Mr. VP didn't let me down. I placed my own expectations (demands) on him and I can't expect him or others to read my mind."

Your mind can be your best friend, but it can also be your worst enemy. The truth is, you can't always control your thoughts. The mind is at work, doing it's own thing most of the time and, if you don't stop to think about how you're thinking (metacognition), your thoughts can wreck havoc on your emotions and behaviors. It's amazing how rapidly and effectively stress can be mitigated by simply thinking about your thinking.

The cliché, "go with the flow," may sound trite, but it's a great sound byte to live by. Leaders who strive for equanimity tend to experience less stress and greater fulfillment in both their personal and professional lives. Make a commitment to achieve a healthy balance of living in the moment and recognizing an event's true significance in the grand scheme of things.

A good indicator of how well you process your emotions and expectations can be found in a measurement of your emotional intelligence. (Take a free online assessment at http://www.queendom.com/tests/iq/emotional_iq_r2_access.html. For a more comprehensive, validated assessment, visit a psychologist or university.)

Some additional suggestions for keeping your expectations at bay:

1. Plan for things to go awry and ask yourself what you can learn from the process. Have a contingency plan or, better yet, several for virtually every possible scenario. Planning ahead helps minimize surprises and provides a safety net when your expectations aren't met.

2. Realize and accept that things aren't always supposed to go your way. Sometimes life throws curve balls to spice up the mix. We can't learn, grow, and evolve to a state of higher consciousness unless we develop the inner qualities that allow us to process challenges and accept them for what they are - the truth.

3. Loosen up on the controls. You can't control another human being, their thoughts, emotions, beliefs, attitudes or behaviors, so stop trying. Motivate, encourage and inspire, and let your positive leadership influence others. People will do what they want to do, so be the inspiration that leads to aspiration.

4. Let go of perfectionism. This mindset only leads to disappointment and, left unchecked, a sense of futility. Perfectionism is an overcompensation for low self-esteem and the unmet needs of acknowledgement and acceptance. Seek to realize your own greatness and to meet your needs internally. Don't inflict damage on yourself and others by expecting that which is simply not possible.

5. Concentrate on your self and the inner changes that could make you happier, less stressed, less controlling, and less demanding. We have the capability to change only ourselves, so invest your worry time in something positive like self care, developing your emotional intelligence, learning acceptance, embracing change, and enriching your spirit.

6. Shift your priorities. Rather than maintaining a full-time focus on the bottom line, elevate your thinking to a higher plane. If your company went away tomorrow, what would you do? Who would you be? How would you live your life mission? What would be the legacy you'd want to leave?

Finally, remember that everyone is simply doing the best they can - just like you. There is no right, wrong, good or bad, just different. Accept differences as gifts, instead of challenges you expect to change. Your self-development - and your stress management - depend on it.